Romance, Relationships & Recovery

March 26, 2022 | By NEOVIVA

Philosophically speaking, love makes the world go round. Biologically, we are wired to fall in love and seek emotional closeness. However, relationships can be tricky, especially when you are in early recovery. In fact, the common advice is to wait for at least one year before you (re)enter the dating scene. Why? Read on to learn how intimate relationships can affect recovery and how to navigate positive and harmful relationships as they arise.

Transitioning out of a treatment programme back to your daily life may feel like stepping onto a foreign planet. In this unknown world, you are expected to adapt to a new lifestyle with new people to meet, new routines to follow, and – most importantly – new emotions to experience. Even with a solid aftercare plan in your pocket, this other side of addiction may initially intimidate you. Creating closeness to someone else can lift this uneasiness. Or perhaps you have navigated the first months of recovery and want to share the excitement of your new life in sobriety with a significant other.

Whatever the reason for wanting to build a new romantic relationship – it should be approached with caution. Give yourself at least a year before getting romantically involved with someone. This common advice is neither a sign of lack of faith in you nor is it meant to control you. But before relationships can be beneficial in recovery, you must learn to live with a whole new side of yourself, cope with emotions, manage triggers, and identify healthy and harmful relationship dynamics.

Self-discovery comes first

Before you can have a healthy relationship with someone else,  it is important to build a healthy relationship with yourself. Recovery is about self-healing and self-discovery—full of reflection, self-assessment, and vulnerability. Maybe, you have struggled with addiction so long that your sober life, which may still feel foreign to you, showers you with a medley of emotions. Perhaps you are feeling emotions for the first time. All of this is a normal part of  learning how to live with sobriety. Imagine adding a further problem to the equation! Your brand-new life would turn into an emotional rollercoaster that would overwhelm you and jeopardise your recovery. Romantic relationships come with an array of feelings, temptations, expectations, and responsibilities – for yourself and the other person. They require a lot of time, dedication, and energy, which you badly need to stay focused on yourself. Don’t let yourself be distracted from your true priority: getting better and stronger yourself.

Avoiding new dependencies and toxic relationships

Don’t get addicted to love

Why do people start using? Mainly because they seek refuge from adverse events and emotions. Instead of learning how to cope with these stressful circumstances, they turn to drugs that provide quick relief and “make them feel good”. Research shows that falling in love has a similar feel-good effect. Drug addiction affects cerebral processes by flooding the brain with dopamine and boosting reward signals which drive the user to pursue such a high over and over again. A person in love experiences the same powerful reward signals with each encounter with the significant other. While “using” love certainly is not as damaging as using drugs such as alcohol or cocaine, there is the risk of getting hooked on riding this “feel-good” wave instead of travelling the bumpy and challenging road to sobriety. Moreover, overly intense attention on the partner may gradually progress into destructive obsession.

Don’t become codependent

Co-dependency is a psychological concept that refers to relationships in which two people become so dependent on each other that they are not able to function independently anymore. Happiness and even identity are defined by the other person. With this explanation in mind, you may understand the increased risk that relationships in the early stage of recovery can quickly become co-dependent. With feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem still too close to the surface, a person in early recovery may look to a partner to strengthen their self-confidence and lead them out of their inner disorientation. The partner, in turn, keeps trying to provide the love and security craved until this self-perpetuating habit grows into compulsive behaviour.

Building healthy relationships

Healthy relationships are at the heart of a successful recovery. Many of you who underwent treatment did so because friends or family members helped you through the hard days. Treatment is all about supportive relationships: with counsellors, therapists, or peers in support groups. All those relationships have certain traits in common:

• mutual honesty
• open communication
• mutual trust
• positivity
• reliability
• safety
• mutual compassion
• respect and acceptance
• healthy boundaries

Once ready for a romantic relationship, you and your significant other will benefit most  when it is built on those strong pillars.

How you know that you are ready

Do you need permission to date? Of course not. This decision is at your discretion. However, remind yourself of your goal: to get better and establish a healthy relationship with yourself first. Are you ready for an honest revision of your progress so far? If you think, “Yes, I have been ready and sober for more than a year now”, congratulations! If you feel hesitant, that’s okay, too. You can turn to your support network – family, friends, your sponsor – for encouragement and guidance. One last piece of advice: don’t sell yourself short. Don’t think that you don’t deserve a healthy relationship. You have conquered addiction and are staying sober. This is a testament to your character and an achievement to be proud of.

Need help?

At NEOVIVA, we believe that addiction treatment and recovery are healing experiences. Our holistic approach helps you create a solid foundation of self-care that empowers you to create healthy and meaningful relationships. Please contact us to learn more about NEOVIVA’s treatment and aftercare programs.